"The reason why your stomach hurts when a cousin buys land"... The identity of 'covert narcissism' that holds us back

Even when anyone receives encouragement like "You are doing well enough" from those around them, they often experience sudden anxiety or a twisted feeling in their heart in the face of others' success. In particular, if one feels a strange sense of jealousy or a "stomach ache" instead of pure celebration when a friend succeeds, this may be related to 'covert narcissism', a psychological mechanism rather than a simple character flaw.

'Covert narcissism' created by social pressure to "not stand out"

Psychiatrist Kim Ji-yong, who appeared on a recent Doctor Friends video, explained the 'covert narcissism' prevalent in Korean society through his book 'The Sense of Expectation'. While narcissism (narcissistic personality disorder) is often easily associated with extroverted behaviors such as exploiting others or flaunting oneself, what Kim focused on is the narcissism that hides within.

According to Kim, Korean society places great importance on the group and etiquette, possessing a strong repressive culture such as "a protruding stone gets hit by the hammer" or "do not stand out." In such an environment, individuals choose to hide their shame and inferiority rather than revealing their sense of superiority. While appearing humble on the outside and saying "I am lacking," a superiority complex—the thought that 'I am actually a great person but cannot reveal it'—takes root inside. This is the core of 'covert narcissism'.

This psychology manifests in various forms in daily life. Representative examples include saying one did not study for an exam yet being unable to let go of the desire for good grades, or even justifying one's lethargy by saying, "I am a lazy genius who doesn't try." This acts as a psychological mechanism to pre-emptively defend against the wounds one might receive upon failure. Mentioning the Korean proverb 'your stomach hurts when a cousin buys land,' Kim explained that this is a unique cultural phenomenon based on a premise of feeling a stomach ache toward others' success, going beyond mere envy.

The trap of 'Love Yourself' and the importance of social connection

Kim also analyzed the impact that the 'Love Yourself' message, which has been popular in recent years, has had on Korean society. This message, which had already spread in the United States since the 1990s, helped people escape from a life centered on others and recover individual self-esteem. However, citing cases from the United States, Kim offered a warning. He noted that after the spread of excessive self-centered messages in the U.S., side effects appeared where depression and suicide rates rose as connections between people were severed. Since humans are inevitably social animals, recent research in the U.S. suggests that people become healthier when they connect with others through 'selfish altruism'.

Because humans are social animals, the process of connecting with others is as important as loving oneself. Kim mentioned that cultures such as the 'loose solidarity' (e.g., gatherings that meet for a specific purpose and then disperse) appearing in Korea recently can play a positive role in overcoming covert narcissism and maintaining healthy social relationships. While overly deep relationships can cause stress, a connection that provides an appropriate sense of belonging is essential for psychological health. In the video, he cited a new cultural trend, such as gathering to play games and then parting ways while eating french fries, as an example of this spontaneous flow.

"I thought I was a star"... The frustration created by wrong expectations

The video also covered the self-deprecating sentiment appearing in recent popular culture. The phenomenon of lyrics or messages such as "I thought I was a shining star, but it turns out I was a bug" being popular reflects the frustration arising from the gap between the high level (star) one expected and their actual self (bug). Kim points out that as this frustration grows, it becomes easy to fall into helplessness, thinking "I can do nothing."

Kim also honestly confessed his own experience. He shared that during the process of receiving evaluations after his book was published, he went through the most difficult period of his life regarding mental health, and felt the expectations of 'I must become a bestseller' and the feeling of 'Why doesn't society recognize this good book?' creeping up from within his heart. He emphasized that such feelings can be present in anyone, and advised that if one feels excessively distressed or develops feelings of envy and jealousy toward the success of others (e.g., a friend's bestseller), one should suspect the covert narcissism within themselves.

Ultimately, what is important is to check one's own expectations and cultivate the psychological resilience to accept results. Rather than simply being buried in results and envying others or disparaging oneself, a process of looking back at one's internal erroneous expectations is necessary. However, the psychological phenomena mentioned in the video may manifest differently depending on individual tendencies and social environments. If a specific psychological state persists and interferes with daily life, one must consult a professional, such as a psychiatrist, to confirm their exact condition.